This guest post was written by Megan Hoback, LMFT, and is featured in our Clinician Spotlight series, where we highlight mental health clinicians and the topics most meaningful to their work.
In my practice, I often have couples come in where one or both partners express how they avoid conflicts as often as possible and they don’t want to worsen things by engaging in conflict when something does arise. This line of thinking may be fueled by fear, worry, anxiety, or past experiences where conflict didn’t feel safe or okay to have. Maybe one partner grew up in a conflict avoidant household which makes it feel normal to them, or they grew up in a conflict heavy household, leading them to want to avoid it in their own relationships. Maybe they feel anxious and scared of what conflict could lead to, so they attempt to avoid it at all costs which inevitably leads to more challenges within the relationship. It’s the idea many couples hold that fewer fights must mean less damage, less tension, and more peace.
In reality, there’s often a different story happening. Silence doesn’t always equal stability and in some cases it can signal fear, withdrawal, or deep patterns of conflict avoidance that quietly erode connection over time.
In couples counseling at Lumina Counseling, we regularly support couples who may appear calm on the surface, yet feel emotional turmoil and distance underneath. We aim to explore the root of this conflict avoidance and increase understanding around the emotions and challenges of it while also learning how to navigate conflict in a healthy way. This often leads couples to strengthen their relationship and emotional bond, increase openness and vulnerability, and no longer live in a place of avoidance or fear.
Avoidance might feel easy and safer in the moment, providing some amount of relief, but the feeling doesn’t last. The next time that topic comes up or a miscommunication occurs, those feelings will come flooding right back in. It’s a pattern that will continue until someone is able to interrupt it and do something differently. That’s where couples counseling comes in and helps transform the way communication occurs and conflicts are handled.
Addressing Conflict Avoidance in Couples Counseling
During couples counseling, we make space to gently bring the conflicts into the room and create safety around honest expression and vulnerability. The first step, in many cases, is identifying the pattern and increasing awareness of it. When does the avoidance show up, who tends to withdraw, who wants to continue pursuing the conversation, and how does this cycle protect each partner. Once there is awareness and each partner can see the pattern more clearly, they can then begin to shift it and do things differently.
From here, different communication tools are brought in and taught depending on the patterns, the needs, and what fits best for both partners. We may explore ways to slow the conversation down, how to use softened start-ups, how to speak from emotion rather than accusation, how to validate before responding, and how to make clear, specific requests. We’ll explore the use of reflective listening during conversations which helps provide space for each partner to feel heard, validated, and understood for their emotions and experience while increasing connection, safety, and trust in the relationship.
Learning how to go slowly, take pauses when needed while always returning back to the conversation, and expressing emotions through the use of “I” statements while listening and increasing understanding helps couples feel more comfortable navigating conflicts and voicing concerns or differences. Reframing conflict as a way to understand differences or concerns can help couples move from defensiveness and avoidance to curiosity, clarification, and understanding.
The Positive Outcome of Successfully Navigating Conflicts
Feeling confident in navigating conflict is one of the common goals in couples therapy and something we greatly enjoy supporting at Lumina Counseling. When couples reduce conflict avoidance and instead increase healthy communication around conflict, they often share feelings of greater emotional intimacy, reduced resentment, increased trust, and faster repairs after disagreements occur. This further supports and strengthens resilience in the relationship and more productive conversations. Instead of fearing conflict and sitting alone in the worry, couples begin trusting their ability to navigate it together and feel more like a united team, even while discussing differences. Healthy communication builds predictability, safety, and stability leading partners to feel more comfortable addressing conflicts head-on, knowing that the discussions will remain respectful, calm, and overall helpful in the end.
Conflict is hard, almost nobody wants to have it, especially in their closest, most intimate relationships. But the idea of conflict being negative and something to avoid shifts when partners feel equipped with the right tools to navigate it in a way that leaves them feeling closer and more connected. Couples counseling helps address conflict avoidance head on, increases understanding and awareness, and equips couples with the tools they need to have healthy communication and stronger relationships.
Megan Hoback is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Washington State specializing in Couples Counseling and Individual Therapy. She focuses on helping couples strengthen their foundation, transform the way they communicate with each other, and increase emotional depth, vulnerability, and intimacy in their relationship. Through a solution-focused, strength-based, and client-centered lens, Megan acts as a compassionate guide to help create transformative, positive change that is lasting for both couples and individuals.
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