Divorce + Parenting

This guest post was written by Sarah Grace Stevenson, MA, LMFTA, and is featured in our Clinician Spotlight series, where we highlight mental health clinicians and the topics most meaningful to their work.

 

Divorce is one of those times in your life when everything feels off track. You’re not sure how to balance the emotional toil and stress that divorce brings with it along with the rest of life. Parenting is typically especially difficult during the divorce process because of several reasons- custody issues, logistics of when to have the kids, where and with what family member, managing your own work schedule with school drop-offs and pick-ups… the list goes on. Plus you’re actively trying to not lose it emotionally in front of the kids when your ex sends you a triggering text message. How in the world are you supposed to be an effective parent while your world is falling apart around you? How are you supposed to move forward as a mom when you most likely signed up to be a parent alongside your teammate, their other parent? It is certainly a difficult time, and it can come with lots of moving parts. Here are just a few ways you can have some semblance of normalcy and control during such a stressful and chaotic time. 

1. Keep yourself as the priority.

Many divorced or divorcing parents that I work with have bought into the narrative that your kids are supposed to come first. Some have even stayed in an unhealthy marriage just “for the kids”. Unfortunately this message leads many parents to completely abandon themselves in the name of good parenting. The truth is, in order to be the best parent you can be, you must absolutely prioritize your own health and sanity. It can be especially difficult if you are coming out of a marriage that reinforced the notion that you must completely neglect yourself for the sake of the marriage or family. If you feel as though this is you, you can restore your sense of self by taking some small steps to remind yourself that you are your #1 priority. Here are some ideas:

• Maintain your sleep, hygiene, and other self-care routines.

• Read 10 pages of a novel before bed.

• Take a 20 minute walk in the morning or after dinner.

• Cook balanced and yummy meals.

• Go to therapy.

• Meet with 1-2 close friends every 2-3 weeks. 
  

If you can start adding one or two of these things into your existing routine, you will start to remember who you are outside of just your marriage or parenting role, and this will ultimately lead you to being the best parent you can be during this time.

2. Remember that your kids are watching and learning from you.

It may be hard to recognize in the midst of a stressful season of divorce, but your kids are watching you. This is how they’re wired! Children are actively learning their emotional regulation, communication, and conflict resolution skills from others around them; this includes you, their other parent, their siblings, and other influential people in their life. A child’s brain is like a sponge, and it will soak up the good and bad. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, “If my child were going to do the same thing in 20-30 years that I’m doing right now, would I feel successful as a parent”? If you feel like maybe your child has already adopted some negative habits or behaviors, not all hope is lost! Instead of trying to undo negative behaviors, try adding more positive interactions and giving your children more positive, happy things to soak into their growing brains.

3. Embrace your village.

“It takes a village”. We’ve all heard that, right? What does it even mean? And what if you feel as though you’ve been forced to parent without the village? What then? The truth is, it really does take a village to raise kids, especially when something like a divorce is a factor. The good news is, though, there are so many ways a village can look. For some people, this looks like grandparents that live in the next county, but some parents going through a divorce may not have this type of option. Here are some resources that you may not have thought of when it comes to seeking support for parenting during your divorce. While they may not be able to give you direct, hands-on care, they can likely point you in a good direction:

• Your child’s school counselor or therapist
• Your lawyer
• Your church
• Community resources such as the library, United Way, YMCA, or divorce support group

4. Let your village embrace you.

Divorce is a time when it is likely necessary for you to be more independent than ever before. You may be learning to navigate finances, run a household, and parent all on your own. On one hand, this independence is a huge accomplishment and you are able to prove to yourself that you can do things you never thought possible. On the other hand, it can become harmful to your mental health and even your relationship with your kids. In our culture and society, we celebrate independence and individuality. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to fall into a pattern of pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps to the point where we are navigating divorce all by ourselves, and that just isn’t sustainable. You have to allow the people and resources around you to support and help you in order to be the best parent you can be during this time and beyond. It’s one thing to recognize the support of the village around you; it’s a whole other thing to actually let those helpers truly come into your life and relieve you of carrying the burden of divorce and parenting alone.